On Monday I took the Front Runner train and a bus to get back to my Provo apartment from a trip that I had made to Salt Lake City. Normally, I don't associate with others on the bus. That is my wrong, I know. There are just a lot of "crazies" on the bus system that I would rather avoid and so I distract myself with games on my phone. At one stop, a person in a wheelchair got on. The bus driver locked her into her spot and called her "Jennifer". At one point, she had trouble communicating and the people behind her realized that there was a problem. She was flipping out over something and they didn't know what the problem was but it was obviously important to her. At this point, someone had just engaged in conversation with me and asked my name. I told him but something said to me "armrest" and I noticed that Jennifer's wheelchair's armrest wasn't where it was supposed to be. It was flipped back and she didn't like that at all. I jumped up and fixed it and sat down, hoping to get out of the conversation that I was in and any future conversations by going back to my phone. However, helping her out made her very happy. She said "Thank you, Haley!" She had overheard me say my name earlier. Those simple words really touched me. She was genuinely thankful and had cared enough to know my name. I put my phone in my pocket and scooted closer to her and we talked for the next ten minutes. She was a very happy person and it made my night to be able to talk to her. I found her to be very intelligent and friendly. She asked how long I had been at BYU and when I said "5 years" she got excited and asked if I had served a mission. To me, this experience was a lesson to me about showing interest in other people and about engaging with those that you normally wouldn't. I definitely have nothing against people with special needs. I would have totally engaged with her at school or the store but I normally don't engage with anyone on the bus. In the little bit that I got to spend with her, I remembered what it felt like to serve others; I learned about friendship; and I learned about the importance of "opening our mouths" with anyone and anywhere. I am very thankful for the opportunity that I had to engage with Jennifer and to learn those lessons again.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Feeding My Starving Soul
In life, we all come to this point where our soul is lost. This is not a permanent matter, but it happens, that's a fact. We may not completely realize it. We becoming immune to it's cravings for certain things that it feeds off of either intellectually or spiritually. We start searching out our lives. For me, it has been a lot like cleaning out a closet--throwing things away and adding to the collection.
Since coming home from my LDS mission, I have experienced this with all aspects of my life. I have moved on from some friends but I have fortified my relationships with other friends as well. I have thrown out my skateboard (a very awesome short board--bigger than a skateboard but smaller than a long bard but capable of both tricks and speed. It was in the shape of Homer Simpson's head). I have become disinterested with the hobbies of my past. I am constantly searching for what makes me happy. By this, I mean, "what do I like to do?" The only real thing that I used to like that remains still a part of me is that I like to go out for sushi with friends. I have even become disinterested in my video games and I haven't done any of the cooking that I used to really enjoy doing.
One thing that is new about me though that wasn't one of my attributes before my mission is that now my main hobby is fortifying my relationships with my friends, seeking out my true friends, and being a true friend. Really, I am "cool" with doing anything as long as it serves those three purposes. If it means that I have to get out of my shell, that is a risk that I am more than willing to take. However, I am very very limited in doing this as my life revolves around school.
Other than these friendships, I have found myself still lost. This semester I have been sort of like a robot--quite lifeless--only taking breaks from my rigorous routine when I absolutely need to. I run my days with precision. I wake up at 3:30am and continue with work, school, and studies until as late as 12:30am most days. I mentally get lost in my piles of homework and mindless state of constantly being tired. I mostly don't sleep because of my studies but even when I have time to sleep I get anxious, thinking that I just need to keep on going.
Recently, I have realized just how lost I have become because of the situation that I am in. It has affected me a lot. Yes, I am doing really well in school but I'm not completely happy. I'm starved in multiple ways. I haven't given myself the spiritual feeding that I know that I really ought to. I do it here and there with scripture readings and prayer but I know that it's not enough. My problem is that I will start studying my scriptures and get really anxious about not studying for school or that it takes time away from whatever project that I could be working on. This is a new part of me that I have never experienced before. Before my mission, school was my last priority. I skipped classes whenever I was depressed. I didn't care. I didn't study because I would have rather spent time with my best friends. Now, I am quite the opposite.
I realize that too much of anything is bad. You can look into my eyes and see how tired I am but my grades show that it was worth it. However, in the end, my academic success isn't going to give me happiness. It is just a pile of work after all, up for the judgement of professors who really don't take you and your efforts into full account. To them, it's all about production--what you have to show for it. Ten years from now, what they had to say and the grades that they give you aren't going to matter as much as the person that you have become. I realize that focusing more on spirituality will be far more beneficial to me in ten years than thrashing my brain out with school.
I have, therefore, decided to begin focusing my life towards spirituality. It is still an anxious concept for me to handle and it's going to take a lot of work. Today, I was walking through the BYU bookstore in search of material for one of my classes. I got lost and ended up taking a detour through the LDS section. I came across two books that I really think are going to help me out. They are "The Continuous Conversion" by Brad Wilcox and "Achieving Your Life Mission" by Randal A. Wright. I felt impressed that these two books are going to be essential in helping me through the spiritual rut that I find myself in currently. Another book that I have been reading from time to time is "Consider the Blessings" by Thomas S. Monson. Wilcox's book is about maintaining and fortifying conversion--continual progression. Wright's book connects personally to be in that I feel like it will help me keep close to the lessons that I learned on my mission. Monson's book is wonderful. It is full of short stories from his life that are really inspiring. I try to read one a day and even on those days where I am "dead" it helps me see the light; it helps me to recognize the blessings around me.
My personal quest: Focus more on feeding my soul. No more starving it out.
Since coming home from my LDS mission, I have experienced this with all aspects of my life. I have moved on from some friends but I have fortified my relationships with other friends as well. I have thrown out my skateboard (a very awesome short board--bigger than a skateboard but smaller than a long bard but capable of both tricks and speed. It was in the shape of Homer Simpson's head). I have become disinterested with the hobbies of my past. I am constantly searching for what makes me happy. By this, I mean, "what do I like to do?" The only real thing that I used to like that remains still a part of me is that I like to go out for sushi with friends. I have even become disinterested in my video games and I haven't done any of the cooking that I used to really enjoy doing.
One thing that is new about me though that wasn't one of my attributes before my mission is that now my main hobby is fortifying my relationships with my friends, seeking out my true friends, and being a true friend. Really, I am "cool" with doing anything as long as it serves those three purposes. If it means that I have to get out of my shell, that is a risk that I am more than willing to take. However, I am very very limited in doing this as my life revolves around school.
Other than these friendships, I have found myself still lost. This semester I have been sort of like a robot--quite lifeless--only taking breaks from my rigorous routine when I absolutely need to. I run my days with precision. I wake up at 3:30am and continue with work, school, and studies until as late as 12:30am most days. I mentally get lost in my piles of homework and mindless state of constantly being tired. I mostly don't sleep because of my studies but even when I have time to sleep I get anxious, thinking that I just need to keep on going.
Recently, I have realized just how lost I have become because of the situation that I am in. It has affected me a lot. Yes, I am doing really well in school but I'm not completely happy. I'm starved in multiple ways. I haven't given myself the spiritual feeding that I know that I really ought to. I do it here and there with scripture readings and prayer but I know that it's not enough. My problem is that I will start studying my scriptures and get really anxious about not studying for school or that it takes time away from whatever project that I could be working on. This is a new part of me that I have never experienced before. Before my mission, school was my last priority. I skipped classes whenever I was depressed. I didn't care. I didn't study because I would have rather spent time with my best friends. Now, I am quite the opposite.
I realize that too much of anything is bad. You can look into my eyes and see how tired I am but my grades show that it was worth it. However, in the end, my academic success isn't going to give me happiness. It is just a pile of work after all, up for the judgement of professors who really don't take you and your efforts into full account. To them, it's all about production--what you have to show for it. Ten years from now, what they had to say and the grades that they give you aren't going to matter as much as the person that you have become. I realize that focusing more on spirituality will be far more beneficial to me in ten years than thrashing my brain out with school.
I have, therefore, decided to begin focusing my life towards spirituality. It is still an anxious concept for me to handle and it's going to take a lot of work. Today, I was walking through the BYU bookstore in search of material for one of my classes. I got lost and ended up taking a detour through the LDS section. I came across two books that I really think are going to help me out. They are "The Continuous Conversion" by Brad Wilcox and "Achieving Your Life Mission" by Randal A. Wright. I felt impressed that these two books are going to be essential in helping me through the spiritual rut that I find myself in currently. Another book that I have been reading from time to time is "Consider the Blessings" by Thomas S. Monson. Wilcox's book is about maintaining and fortifying conversion--continual progression. Wright's book connects personally to be in that I feel like it will help me keep close to the lessons that I learned on my mission. Monson's book is wonderful. It is full of short stories from his life that are really inspiring. I try to read one a day and even on those days where I am "dead" it helps me see the light; it helps me to recognize the blessings around me.
My personal quest: Focus more on feeding my soul. No more starving it out.
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